Part 3 The Prayer that Healed me
The prayer that healed me
One Friday evening, there was a prayer group gathering at my church. Perhaps I wanted to reconnect with God. As each person shared their prayer requests, our Pastor assigned a specific person to pray out loud for each person. Initially, I hesitated to share my request, but eventually, I mustered up the courage to share. I confessed that I was struggling with bitterness and I didn't know how to deal with it. That night, I was just soft enough to let someone pray for me.
I shared Cici’s story and expressed my confusion about why God allowed the events to take place the way they did. I felt stuck and hopeless. However, instead of asking someone else to pray for me, the pastor did something unexpected. He asked me to pray for myself. I was furious at the request at the time. I hadn't prayed for a long time and wasn’t so sure if I could remember how to pray. It was the reason I came in the first place, to get a little help and support to move forward. I remained quiet for a while, not knowing what to say.
Finally, I decided to be honest with God. I started by saying, "Dear God..." and tears began to roll down my face. It felt like I was reconnecting with someone I had been longing for since my time with Cici. But I still didn't know what to say except for two sentences that I repeated over and over again, like a broken record.
"God help me to believe you are good. God help me to believe you are still holding this world in your hands.” “God help me to believe you are good.” I had snot dripping down from my nose by this point. “God help me to believe you're somehow still holding this world in your hands.” This prayer marked the beginning of my healing process, and it became my prayer.
This prayer taught me how to trust God in the uncertainty, deconstruction, and tragedy. It allowed me to trust God as I embarked on a journey to discover what God is really like and what God is really up to. It’s better, bigger, wider, and deeper than I could have ever imagined.
I've come to realize that God actually encourages us to engage in a wrestling match with Them. Contrary to what I had always believed and been taught, where expressing any doubt or questioning was seen as a lack of faith, it appears that God wants us to delve into these struggles.
The concept of wrestling with God and the term "Midrash" is incredibly significant, especially within the Jewish faith.
Within Jewish tradition, wrestling with God symbolizes the intimate and ongoing relationship between individuals and the divine. This metaphorical wrestling represents the pursuit of deeper understanding, meaning, and connection with God. It reinforces the idea that faith isn't merely accepting religious teachings passively; instead, it's an active engagement with the spiritual realm.
Midrash, deriving from the Hebrew word "darash," which means "to inquire" or "to seek," is a centuries-old Jewish tradition of interpretation. It involves immersing oneself in the Torah which is the first five books of the Old Testament with the aim of uncovering hidden meanings, ethical lessons, and potential relevance within those texts. Unlike Christian interpretations of the Scripture which are often laid out like a manuel, midrashic interpretation promotes continuous dialogue, debate, and reflection, allowing individuals to grapple with complex theological concepts and ethical dilemmas.
In essence, God invites us to actively explore the depths of our faith. Midrash recognizes that genuine faith often involves questioning, challenging, and seeking answers. This approach fosters a rich spiritual journey where individuals continually engage with God's wisdom and their own beliefs, ultimately forging a stronger connection with their faith and the divine presence.
The concept of wrestling with God can be found through the story of Jacob from the Old Testament.
In the Book of Genesis, Jacob, a central figure in biblical history, wrestles with a mysterious opponent one night by the Jabbok River. This encounter is often interpreted as a symbolic wrestling match with God Themself. Jacob's wrestling match with God reflects the human condition of wrestling with doubts, fears, and questions about God's will and purpose in our lives.
In this context, "wrestling with God" signifies the sincere and earnest effort to seek God’s guidance, and to understand God’s plan. Faith isn't a smooth, untroubled journey. Rather, it involves moments of intense seeking, questioning, and striving for a deeper connection with God.
Jacob's wrestling match ultimately resulted in a blessing and a new name, Israel, "one who wrestles with God."
The notion that we can wrestle with our faith, just as Jacob wrestled with God, freed me from the shame and fear I held around being a “bad” believer. I was free to wrestle with my beliefs, and it is in this wrestling ring where I tackled my first doubt, Hell.